How To Help A Friend Struggling With Infertility

Do you know someone who is struggling with infertility? Most people do, although they might not know it. Infertility is something that isn't easy to talk about, even with family and friends. To be honest, sometimes it feels like it is a personal failure-we haven't given our parents a grandchild, we haven't had the 2.5 kids that many people expect (although I'm still not sure how you can have half a kid), we feel like we are 'behind' others in our lives. We feel we are letting someone down, even if it is only ourselves. If you are wondering how you can help someone you know who has been having problems with fertility, it helps to know the right things to say. I'm not giving these pointers to make anyone feel bad or anything, but you should know that words can have power.

Here are some statements that might hit your infertile friend the wrong way:

  -'Just relax and it will happen'. Infertility can have a medical cause that a few days at a spa can't cure. Oh, if only they could! :)

  -'So, you're X years old, why don't you have kids?' This speaks for itself.

  -'So, when are you going to give me a grandchild/godchild/niece/nephew?' This kind of reinforces any ideas we may have about letting other people down. I know that's not the intent, but sometimes it can be hard for us to see that.

  -'You should do X, my sister did Y and she got pregnant'. While it's great to hear that something works for someone else, it can be frustrating to hear these things sometimes because we've often tried everything in the book.

  -'Baby this, baby that, pregnant this, pregnant that...' While this isn't to say that you can't talk about these things around us, it can feel very isolating when the vast majority of the conversations that go on in your group of 'girl friends' are about something you can't join in with. I've had this experience before and it caused a feeling of 'disconnection'.

That said, don't feel like you can't share your own 'good news' if you are pregnant. Even if it might hit us oddly at first, being happy for you will usually win out. In fact, we might just embrace our role as 'Auntie' even more so than we normally would! I hope you're okay with that; we mean well. :) If we don't, though, please don't take it personally.

Some things that you should say:

'I'm here for you.'

'You're not alone.' This one is especially important, since being the only one without kids in a group can feel pretty isolating.

'Hey, you wanna go see a movie?' or just going about the business of being a friend. Basically discussing something other than babies can help.

'How are things going?' This is good because it is open-ended, giving us the choice of whether or not to bring it up.

More than anything else, let us start the conversation. If we want to talk about it, we will. Just giving a caring ear can do wonders.

How Old is Too Old To Give Birth?

The joys of becoming a mother shouldn't really ever have an age limit on them, should they? According to some experts, it may have to be that way. Giving birth is not something you want your fourteen year old daughter doing, and it certainly is not something you want your grandmother doing either right?

The process of giving birth is something that should be valued more than it currently is. Some teens just are not responsible enough and it results to pregnancy that can be challenging for them. Do not forget that having a baby can be fatal as well, it is an act that is for someone in good health. An unhealthy person can have a troublesome time having the child as well as during the pregnancy. Older women should be cautious of delivering for a few reasons.

The first is that something could go terribly wrong, and then the baby have a medical ailment needing following up on. In some cases, the mother ends up needing some form of additional treatment in order to help her body become strong enough for having the baby. Gestational diabetes is a common ailment that can be developed in older mothers to be, and also there are other risks that can be associated with developmental delays and ailments in children with much older mothers. Downs syndrome for example, has been very prevalent in older mothers and this can be something that you and your family will need to tend to for the rest of the child's life.

The American Society of Reproductive Medicine has assessed this very dilemma over and over again. They recommend permitting women to have babies safely up until the age of fifty years old. They claim that it is at just about this age when the body begins to slow down or even stop the reproductive process completely. They consider infertility a medical illness, one that is a result of one's life span respectively in the reproductive department. They have stated that a teenager not yet ready to become a parent certainly could even with or without the help of an infertility specialist, they certainly would not allow for it at their age. The same principal applies to these cases with older mothers to be.

Instead, the doctors that specialize in delivering babies have stated they prefer a woman to weigh her obstacles with her doctors. If she is in excellent health and wishes to have a baby at 51, then some doctors will definitely permit it. They can't exactly say the patient isn't allowed to get pregnant, so they must help guide them to make the best choices in their care and the care of their potential new babies as well.

Some Common Causes For Female Infertility

For some couples, having babies comes easily. We've all probably stood behind the woman with four kids in the checkout line at the grocery store or sat next to the couple with five in a restaurant. For others, however, it's not that simple. Even if we do everything we can think of to get pregnant, sometimes it just doesn't happen. I won't pretend I've had it easy because I haven't, but I know people who have put themselves through a great deal of emotional pain, only to find that there was a medical cause for their difficulties. Oddly enough, such diagnoses caused a great deal of relief; once you know what is causing your problem, you can do something about it. For your information only, here are a few causes of infertility in women.

One major cause of infertility in women is a problem with ovulation. This can be caused by:

-Hormonal issues. Basically anything that disrupts the production of the luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) during your normal cycle can affect ovulation. Stress, thyroid disease and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) are common culprits. I will discuss PCOS in another post.

-Age. I wasn't aware of this before, but women are born with a finite number of eggs. As we grow older, the quality of the 'leftover eggs' goes down. This doesn't mean that those of us over 35 can't have kids, just that it might be more difficult than if we were younger.

-Weight. Being excessively overweight or underweight can cause problems with ovulation because of an imbalance of hormones. Getting to a healthy weight and Body Mass Index can help balance things out and get you on a more 'regular' schedule.

Aside from the eggs themselves, problems with the fallopian tubes or cervix can cause infertility. Some reasons for that include:

-Smoking. In addition to making the eggs age more quickly, smoking can also damage your fallopian tubes. That and the increased risk of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy should be a good motivator for quitting.

-Endometriosis. This is a condition where the lining of the uterus is not completely expelled during menstruation and backs up into the fallopian tubes or other organs in the abdominal cavity. Our friend Jacklyn talks more about this in another post.

-STDs. Hopefully this isn't a problem for you, but sexually-transmitted diseases such as chlamydia and gonorrhea can damage fallopian tubes.

-Mucus. An abnormal production of cervical mucus, which can have several causes, makes it impossible for sperm to reach the egg.

If you're concerned about infertility, see your doctor. Also, don't forget that it 'takes two to tango'; it's not just about the eggs. For a woman to get pregnant, the sperm needs to be viable too. Your doctor will handle that issue separately.

In addition to 'see your doctor', here is some advice I've gotten that was very helpful:

-Remember that infertility is not necessarily anyone's 'fault'. Sometimes things just happen. An estimated 20% of infertility cases have no medically-discernible 'cause'. Making out like there's something wrong with you (or your partner) when no real cause or treatment has been found does nothing but harm to your self-esteem, not to mention your relationship. There's no need to put undue pressure on yourself.

Be well, ladies. Be well.