10 Warning Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship, Part I

 

Are you (or is someone you know) in an unhealthy relationship? How can you tell? How do you distinguish between the usual 'ups and downs' and a relationship that is truly bad for you?

Unhealthy or abusive relationships can happen across all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, genders, sexual orientations, etc...basically, there aren't many groups that are 'immune'. People are people; you're going to find some level of 'good' and 'bad' in nearly every group.

You might be thinking; 'why does [whoever] put up with this? I never would.' The answer is twofold-

a) The destructive behavior doesn't begin overnight. That is why I used 'unhealthy' and 'abusive' in two separate categories-because the 'unhealthy' relationship can lead to an 'abusive' one. Just like the 'frog in hot water' illustration, many people do not realize that their relationship is unhealthy until they feel they are in too deep to get out. This is especially true when there are children involved or they are financially dependent on their partner.

b) The abusive partner has the other person thinking that they either brought it on themselves or otherwise deserve what they're getting. They can't get (or keep) any better and, even if they were to leave, they wouldn't be able to stand on their own. Again, this is especially common when there are children involved. In many cases, the person didn't have much self-esteem to begin with. 

That said, here are a few warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

1. Does your partner need to have control over everything? Meaning, does s/he tell you who you can see, what you can wear, what kind of job you can have, etc? If so, that is a *huge* red flag. It's not going to get better, trust me.

2. On a related tip, does your partner have a jealous streak? If you call him/her on it, what does s/he say? It might sound romantic at first, to have someone so intent on keeping you all to themselves. Believe me, it's not. It leads to the things I mention in #7.

3. Do you feel as though you have to change to keep your partner? It's normal for us to try to accommodate our partners (within reason, that is), but do you feel as though you're the one doing all the 'accommodating'? Do you feel you are being asked to change things that are integral to who you are, such as giving up your religion or your friends? If so, then it's not you that your partner is in love with-it's who s/he thinks s/he can make you into.  See #1.

4. Similar to the above, is there any sort of 'inequity'? For instance, do you ever feel as though you're the only one putting any effort into keeping things going? Do you find yourself apologizing just to 'keep the peace', even if you've done nothing wrong? Does your partner dominate you in any way? Are you always being interrupted or 'corrected' in some way? Are you 'always wrong', or is everything 'your fault'? Does s/he belittle you or otherwise 'talk down' to you?
In the interest of brevity (too late!), this will be continued in Part II. 

10 Warning Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship, Part II

(continued from Part I)

5. Does your partner push you to do things you don't want to do? For instance, do you feel pressured to be more intimate or sexual than you're comfortable? If you are not actively forced, are you coerced into doing things you don't want to do (i.e. doing sexual things because you feel you have to, to get him to shut up and leave you alone, etc)? These things are considered rape or sexual assault in many states and are therefore illegal. Some states vary on degrees but, if this is happening to you, there's a good chance you could bring charges against your partner. If you feel the need to, please don't hesitate. I'm serious.

6. Do things tend to go in 'cycles'? Happiness-conflict-hurt-separation-reconnection-back to happiness? Does this happen on a regular basis? 'Drama' like this is interesting on As The World Turns, but not in real life.

7. Does s/he try to isolate you from other friends and family? If your friends don't like him, does he try to convince you that they're 'jealous' or some other way of getting you away from them? How does s/he treat others? Is there a different 'face' in public than in private?

8. On a related tip, do your friends like your partner? If they don't, why not? Is there any sort of 'consensus'? It's possible that your partner might have a minor personality conflict with one of your friends, but not five of them.

9. Have you been lied to? I'm not talking about 'no, that doesn't make you look fat'. I'm talking about lying about where s/he's been, who he's been with, how much he had to drink, etc. This goes back to #1.

10. In general, how do you feel when you're with your partner? If you're not married or living together, do you find yourself emotionally exhausted every time you talk to or see your partner?

I could go on further, but I think you get the point. One of the hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship is the need of one partner to control the other, because it can lead to so many other negative behaviors. Any time you feel as though you're not being loved or respected on a regular basis, there is a problem. Love isn't supposed to hurt.

One big thing to remember:

None of these things are 'normal'. Yes, every relationship has its ups and downs, and we can't always get everything we want. We do sometimes need to put the other person's needs before our own. However, nothing I have mentioned here fits in the 'things you just have to deal with' category.  Nothing.

I hope I've given you something to think about. To close-

A poet named named Javan* said it best:

We should do everything

Within reason

To save a good relationship

But if we are constantly

Trying to save it

It is probably not

A good relationship

 

*You can read more of his poetry here-http://www.cookingwithgas.us/javan/half.html.  Just be sure to have a box of tissues handy. :)