10 Warning Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship, Part I

 

Are you (or is someone you know) in an unhealthy relationship? How can you tell? How do you distinguish between the usual 'ups and downs' and a relationship that is truly bad for you?

Unhealthy or abusive relationships can happen across all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, genders, sexual orientations, etc...basically, there aren't many groups that are 'immune'. People are people; you're going to find some level of 'good' and 'bad' in nearly every group.

You might be thinking; 'why does [whoever] put up with this? I never would.' The answer is twofold-

a) The destructive behavior doesn't begin overnight. That is why I used 'unhealthy' and 'abusive' in two separate categories-because the 'unhealthy' relationship can lead to an 'abusive' one. Just like the 'frog in hot water' illustration, many people do not realize that their relationship is unhealthy until they feel they are in too deep to get out. This is especially true when there are children involved or they are financially dependent on their partner.

b) The abusive partner has the other person thinking that they either brought it on themselves or otherwise deserve what they're getting. They can't get (or keep) any better and, even if they were to leave, they wouldn't be able to stand on their own. Again, this is especially common when there are children involved. In many cases, the person didn't have much self-esteem to begin with. 

That said, here are a few warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. 

1. Does your partner need to have control over everything? Meaning, does s/he tell you who you can see, what you can wear, what kind of job you can have, etc? If so, that is a *huge* red flag. It's not going to get better, trust me.

2. On a related tip, does your partner have a jealous streak? If you call him/her on it, what does s/he say? It might sound romantic at first, to have someone so intent on keeping you all to themselves. Believe me, it's not. It leads to the things I mention in #7.

3. Do you feel as though you have to change to keep your partner? It's normal for us to try to accommodate our partners (within reason, that is), but do you feel as though you're the one doing all the 'accommodating'? Do you feel you are being asked to change things that are integral to who you are, such as giving up your religion or your friends? If so, then it's not you that your partner is in love with-it's who s/he thinks s/he can make you into.  See #1.

4. Similar to the above, is there any sort of 'inequity'? For instance, do you ever feel as though you're the only one putting any effort into keeping things going? Do you find yourself apologizing just to 'keep the peace', even if you've done nothing wrong? Does your partner dominate you in any way? Are you always being interrupted or 'corrected' in some way? Are you 'always wrong', or is everything 'your fault'? Does s/he belittle you or otherwise 'talk down' to you?
In the interest of brevity (too late!), this will be continued in Part II.